I'm hurting Ally.

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Dear Ally,

I woke up from a bad nightmare this morning. I was worried about my blood pressure and having a heart attack in this dream. I didn't pay it no mind, until I started crying when I looked over at your urn. Maybe it's a sign. I know I have had to result to being put on blood pressure medication since your loss. I don't think it's entirely due to that, but majority.

I cried because I missed you. I cried because I long for you. I cry because I love you so much. I can't tell you how bad it feels and how sad it is. I can only tell you that with each passing day, I hate being here without you. I have no energy half the time. That's also due to the pain I am feeling while the doctors figure it out, but even my mind has no time for anything. I just don't want to be without your touch, your kiss, and your soft fur anymore. I am trying to find a new purpose Ally, but everything seems so far out of my reach.

I am so depressed Ally. I keep trying to reach out to people, but I am not having any luck. I don't think the people closest to me understand. They have this idea that I'll be okay, but I am not okay. On the outside, I am tired all the time, and don't want to move. I am physically in pain from injuries, but now my mind is in pain from thinking about losing you over and over again. Mentally and emotionally, I am a mess. I wake up, and I get out of bad, I am reminded that you're gone. It's like waking up, just to have someone rip out your heart, drop it on the floor, and watch it shatter all over again.

I am trying to live without you, but it isn't easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In fact, I am not even worried about the biopsy surgery coming up soon. I use to. Now I don't care what the result is, because it will either be seeing you soon, or being tormented by your memory. I will either be fighting for my life, or fighting to forget the pain.

I keep going though Ally. I try to find new purpose. I wanted to get a puppy and try to lift my spirits, but I don't want to keep asking people for help. I don't want to be that person.

So I tried to engage my mind back into making things, but I have more obstacles in my way. I find that I am just running out of reasons to keep working past those obstacles. My mind just shuts down. There is no happiness in my life right now. Everything just hurts.

I'll keep trying Ally, but I want you to know that it is harder than I ever believed. I try because I don't want to let you down. I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom