A crazy thing you did there Ally..

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Dear Ally,

I had a lot on my mind yesterday when somehow, out of nowhere, and completely unexplainable, I ended up at your shrine in front of your ashes with my hand on them. I have been so busy and mentally exhausted lately that I have been wondering what you're doing at those exact moments. That thought today led me directly to you. By the time I realized what I was doing, I had already calmed down inside. I was super overwhelmed at the time it happened. Somehow, a sense of calm took over my body and mind as I stood there with my hand on your urn.

Thank you Ally. Thank you for all that you do when you're not physically here to do it. I know your body might be gone, but your heart still lives on in the lives of others. You were such an amazing confidant with matters of the heart, and I know you continue to be with me from another life. I sure hope, you are still living the new life you have though and not worrying too much about me, for I would never want to take you away from the new happiness your heart is sure to find.

It's been nearly 6 months Ally. Six long drooling months of heartache and tears. Every time I think I am closer to being able to think of you without crying, I take six steps back. Nostalgia is a funny thing. It can be both happy and awful.

I think a lot of what I am feeling is resentment and guilt. Resenting not telling you I loved you more, or having you here with me. Like I have been cut short of happiness and had you stolen from me. Guilt because I should have done more and found a way. Hopeless because I know I cannot anymore and things would probably end up the same if given a do-over.

We are simple individuals Ally. Life is far more complicated than you and I. I just wish we were not given such little time. I just wish and long for one more day.

I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom