It was hard for me to come back here Ally. I started this website for us to collect your adventure and journey. I wanted to build something here. All I can do is cry now when I come here and see your beautiful angelic face.
I'm angry Ally. I am angry that I did not say more to you, pet you more, and hold you tighter much sooner. I never thought we'd have to part so soon and to cancer. I thought everything I was doing, would save you Ally, but it didn't. For that I am sorry. I couldn't stop it from hurting you, but I could end your pain and agony. I am suppose to keep you safe. In the end, that's what I was doing.
I cried the whole day Ally. October 25th 2017 was hard. I rushed you in and there was nothing I could do. I held you until the end Ally. I hope you felt that. I hope you felt loved. I hope you know how much you mean to me as I stumbled for those last words. I hope you heard every one of them. I wanted to stay with you longer. I knew if I did not leave, I never would. It was the first time I had to leave you behind Ally. Your body was just laying there, and I could't do anything. I couldn't save you. I beat myself up about it everyday.
I drove to your park after that and I cried. I sat there missing you, and i put your collar around my wrist. I just felt so alone and so sad. Grandma and I sat outside and watched the leaves sway, and all of the Christmas lights. I did not get any sleep that night. Most of the night was silent. Grandma is grieving to Ally. We all are.
I barely woke up the next day and I did not want to. I just wanted to sleep because it hurt Ally. it hurt to wake up and see you were gone. As soon as I did, all the pain and sadness came rushing back into my heart. We sat outside again and watched the lights twinkle all night last night. Today isn't any easier. I still miss you and I cry for you.
To say I am sad is an understatement. I'm destroyed inside. I don't know how to feel without you Ally. I miss your soft head rubbing up against me for pets. I miss the feel of your fur. Your eyes when you looked at me. Your huffing and puffing when you wanted more of whatever we were doing. More food, more pets, more love. I miss the way you'd rush out the door when I opened it like you were rushing into life's journey. You were so happy anywhere. The car, the house, the walks, the yard. I miss you following me to the bathroom and waiting for me outside the door. I miss you walking in on me when I was taking a shower or using the bathroom. I miss how you'd follow me throughout the house and everywhere. I miss you Ally. I miss all that you are. Every last thing.
I knew it be hard to let you go, but it's not just hard. It's devastating. Everything I did was for you. I wish I knew where to go from here Ally. All I can do is pray to see you again. Pray you're okay and pain free. Pray that you always remember how much I loved you. If I didn't tell you enough, I love you so much.