Posts tagged letterstoally
Dear Ally June 2019
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Dear Ally,

Today I had to practice the art of ignoring ignorance and simply hanging up the phone. If you would have asked me to walk away from something I know I am right about 6 months ago, I would not have been able too. Especially when it comes to my blood relatives. Today, I simply hung up the phone and left them behind again.

My brother was sick for some times but got better within a few months. It turned out he did not have a stroke and they did not locate any cancer or MS. The gooey stuff they found on his brain is a medical mystery. It no longer exists so they cannot test anymore. From the moment he was released from the nursing home, he reverted back to the old brother I had come to know so well. The one who uses and abuses people and his relationships with them. He once again decided to use Grandma and Grandpa. Well, I can't say I feel bad for them because they have been enabling this behaviour his entire adult life, There daughter also pulled a number on them. Someone generous helped them pull ahead but they're still allowing them to do it.

So when I got the call today so my Mother could bitch about what's going on, I decided to simply end the call. I cannot deal with the drama andymore Ally and I refuse too. I said, "I'm sorry you're still enabling them to take advantage of you but I don't see how this involves me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go, Goodbye." I hung up and left it at that.

I thought I would feel bad about hanging up on her like that, but I felt empowered. Like I had just taken back my life and energy they have sucked out of me for so long. I smiled and went back to cooking dinner. If you ask me, more people should simply hang up or walk away. It isn't our fault and we can only do so much. These people have never lifted a finger to help me. They made my life miserable. So I simply cannot spend anymore time worrying about them. Onward and upward, Ally.

I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

I am thankful.
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Dear Ally,

Thanksgiving is 4 days away and I was sitting here thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for you, Ally. I am thankful for the patience you have taught me, and for the loyalty you had shown me all of the years you were alive. I am thankful for the love you gave me that I could see in those brown eyes of yours. I am thankful for the times you would sit next to me, place your head on my thigh, and just stare at me while I rubbed your belly. I am thankful for all the nights you would cuddle up next to me and I would run my hands through your soft red coat. Most of all, I am thankful that you taught me patience, loyalty, and love exists in the most beautiful brown eyes that I have ever seen.

But today I am thankful for Osito. I am thankful he came into my life in an otherwise dark time and pulled me to the light. I am thankful for his lively demeanor, and the way he nonchalantly steals my heart more and more every day. I am thankful he is more than endowed with the trappings of love. Most of all, I am thankful he has rescued me from giving up in a time where the world can feel so gloomy and deranged.

So this Thanksgiving, when we sit around the table, maybe alone with nobody, I will have somebody. I will have Osito. Just like I had you. For that, I am more grateful, than you will ever know.

I love you to the moon and back, Ally & Osito. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

To our followers. We are even more thankful you'll be on this journey with us and for all of your kindness, every day.

Due to the trolling and issues with privacy, we have partnered with Patreon to bring Letters To Ally over to their website. The memberships will be paid. Letters To Ally will be available in the $1 a month tier until our website host allows memberships for blogs. They will be free once I am able to legitimately give people the option to sign up on our website here. I am sorry, but I will no longer continue to allow our sadness to be used as the punchline to a joke for those pigeons with no life. Today’s LTA is public. Going forward a snippet will be placed here, and the full version available at, https://www.patreon.com/letterstoally. Please follow us for free there or consider supporting us with tiers as low as $1 a month!

One Year Ally
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Dear Ally,

It's been one year tomorrow.

I thought by now I'd be able to write to you and tell you about all the wonderful things I've done in your memory. Truthfully, since I've lost you, I haven't done much, but think about you with every breath I take and every goal I reach for, and not for the better. Not even for the happy. I cry every time.

The only difference I've felt in the last year since your absence is that I have become better at holding back the tears until I'm alone so others don't see how much I have not been able to move on. It's the guilt that binds me to your nonexistence and the pain that holds me here.

I've went through all of the stages, Ally.

Denial.

Your decline came on so suddenly. One month you were fine, the next a little sick, and the next gone. You tried so hard and I refused to see that you were dying. Maybe it was the way you looked at me still, or the way you'd still bark at a new person who all of a sudden entered the room, and the way you still showed excitement for a new toy. It all made me have hope and deny the idea that you were dying or saying goodbye.

But I see now, Ally. I see that those tail wags were less enthusiastic, and the stare was more so to make sure I was there for you and hadn't left your side. I see now that your bark was faint and your excitement was as tiresome as your movement. So when you had to go and I had to let you go, I was angry.

Anger.

I wasn't angry at you, Ally. I was angry at fate, destiny, and angry with God. How could he or she or it, let something so meaningful slip away so quickly. One moment you were a survivor and the next you were dead. There was no gradual decline in my eyes at the time, it just felt sudden.

So I was angry for the lack of warning. Angry that I didn't see it. Angry that I didn't ask more questions sooner or become more involved in your care. I was angry of the lack of education I had on the subject of cancer. I was angry that I trusted people with your life and they could have done more to watch for this return. I was also angry at myself for falling into a financial crisis and not being able to care for you around the clock and monitor everything to make sure it never returned. If only I wasn't disabled, I might have been able to provide you the best care and prolonged your beautiful existence. I was angry that I couldn't trade your life for mine.

Bargaining.

I would have given anything to know you would have had even a few more years to enjoy, even if it meant giving my life up for yours. I have always felt that animals deserve so much better than the humans who surround them. Not the ones who love them, but the ones who hurt them. We've taken a beautiful world and turned into a travesty. You were my beauty in an almost failed world.

I would have traded anything just to see you one more time. I didn't care what it would have taken to be able to kiss you and run my hands through your fur. It was depressing me more and more every day.

Depression.

I hit rock bottom mentally, physically, and emotionally. Losing you was so hard and so debilitating. I felt like the weight of our world rested on my shoulders and I couldn't move, couldn't speak. My depression manifested as my physical pain. I was hurt so much emotionally that my body was also hurt so much physically. That weight I have been carrying around was the guilt that I hadn't been able to do more for you and I have to stop blaming myself for something out of my control.

It was because I missed you so much and I couldn't change it. You weren't coming back. I spent most of the last year in this stage. I have to finally accept that you are not here. You aren't coming back and I did everything in my power that I believed was right for you.

Acceptance.

I accept that I'm not perfect, that life isn't perfect, and I did everything I could. You see, it wasn't about life being perfect that made us the greatest story I've ever told, Ally. It was all the truly meaningful and beautiful memories and moments we had that made our story Perfect. You were my perfect.. and for that I'm so grateful.

Our story doesn't end here, Ally. I was sent a little Yorkie Angel, named Osito, and I truly believe that through him, and because of you, I am ready to heal. He deserves all of me, the way I gave all of me to you. I know you'd want that.

For now Ally, I'll have to stop doing the things that bring me pain. I'll have to pause my Letters to you until I am ready to write the part of our story with those perfect memories and moments that inspired over 5,000 people to continue to read our story.

This is not goodbye, Ally. This is, I'll see you later.

I absolutely love you to the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love Always,

Mom

To all of our followers, thank you for following our journey, supporting us when we needed it with every prayer, share, or monetary transaction. You'll never know how much you mean to us. The Letters to Ally book with my favorite letters from the last year and photos will be available soon. More info will be on our website and Patreon. Especially promo codes to save money. Please visit the links in our comments section here for the locations to subscribe to our newsletter and Patreon.

Have a great day and remember, we love you to the moon and back, always and forever.

Love,

Christina

Dear Ally, I miss that gaze.
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Dear Ally,

I was going through some folder on my computer today, looking for something and I came across our old Facebook folder. The folder I downloaded of your photos some time ago before we reset the page. I noticed something in that folder Ally. You always looked at me with such love and devotion. It made me cry.

I don’t know how anyone deserves that kind of love, ever, but I am sure glad that I found it with you. I really miss that stare Ally. I miss catching your eyes and holding them in each other’s gaze until one of us looked away. You would always look at me so deeply. Almost as if you were peering straight into my heart. And that’s what you were. My heart.

I hope to see those lovely, big brown eyes again one day and just know the moment I catch them, their yours. I miss you Ally. I love you. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

That Day I Knew I'd Say Goodbye
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Dear Ally,

I remember this day and I remember the way it felt watching you stare out at an open field of fog that morning. I knew I was losing you and you were saying goodbye. These two top photos were taken the day before you crossed the rainbow bridge.

Do you see it, Ally? Because I do. I see the fire that went out in your eyes. Different from the bottom two photos just a few months or so before. I see the pain in your eyes. I felt it deep inside with you and for you. So I knew it wasn't going to be long... even though... even though I fought so hard to never say goodbye to you.. I ended up saying it the next day.

Too soon, Ally. It was too soon. At least it felt that way, but was it really? Most dogs don't live to be nearly 16 years old... but you did. And if I never said it before, or you didn't know... I was so proud to be your best friend, and your mom.

I love you, Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

The Letters To Ally Book
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I have partnered with Shutterfly to make books complete with photos and Letters To Ally. They're offering me really good prices for the book. I am considering working on this. They would be available around June/July if I went through with it. I am wondering how many people would be interested!?

The book would be a hard cover book with 21-30 pages of her best photos edited by me and the best letters I have written to her. Mostly, it be a way for me to put the final letters I want to write on paper and have them spread onto the world. I feel like this would be a great way to let go of the past and move forward with Osito. It is not goodbye, but rather, I'll see you later, to the best friend anyone could have asked for.

The book would run about $54.95 with shipping included. More than half of that is really the cost of the perfect book that would not only do Ally's memory justice, but all of you. I want it to be the best book ever in her memory.

You can comment on this post or hit us up on our social media! I just want to gage the interest because I would have to order quite a bit in advance. Thanks Ally Pack!

A crazy thing you did there Ally..
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Dear Ally,

I had a lot on my mind yesterday when somehow, out of nowhere, and completely unexplainable, I ended up at your shrine in front of your ashes with my hand on them. I have been so busy and mentally exhausted lately that I have been wondering what you're doing at those exact moments. That thought today led me directly to you. By the time I realized what I was doing, I had already calmed down inside. I was super overwhelmed at the time it happened. Somehow, a sense of calm took over my body and mind as I stood there with my hand on your urn.

Thank you Ally. Thank you for all that you do when you're not physically here to do it. I know your body might be gone, but your heart still lives on in the lives of others. You were such an amazing confidant with matters of the heart, and I know you continue to be with me from another life. I sure hope, you are still living the new life you have though and not worrying too much about me, for I would never want to take you away from the new happiness your heart is sure to find.

It's been nearly 6 months Ally. Six long drooling months of heartache and tears. Every time I think I am closer to being able to think of you without crying, I take six steps back. Nostalgia is a funny thing. It can be both happy and awful.

I think a lot of what I am feeling is resentment and guilt. Resenting not telling you I loved you more, or having you here with me. Like I have been cut short of happiness and had you stolen from me. Guilt because I should have done more and found a way. Hopeless because I know I cannot anymore and things would probably end up the same if given a do-over.

We are simple individuals Ally. Life is far more complicated than you and I. I just wish we were not given such little time. I just wish and long for one more day.

I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

Everything reminds me of you.
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Dear Ally,

I was scrolling across my newsfeed on Facebook and saw a video about a dog and it made me cry. Anytime I watch a video about other animals, it hits me in the heart. This one was about leaving the dog all alone at home for long periods of time. It made me happy to think about how I stopped that a few years before I lost you. It made me sad about not having something with easier hours prior to those last few years so that you never had to be alone.

We can't all not have office jobs, but we can choose to put family first and work regular hours. I'm glad I never left you alone for long periods of time. I couldn't wait to get home and walk you. I couldn't wait to load you up in the car and take you to the park. You were my everything and my best friend.

I miss those long walks a lot Ally. I miss seeing you light up when I grabbed that leashe. I miss having my big red right next to me. Oh man, do I miss it. I miss the excitement you had when I came home and how you'd run in circles and stampede. The way you could light up my heart when you looked into my eyes.

In life, we will have very few deep and meaningful connections with those we come across.  I'm so very happy that one of the most meaningful connections I have ever had was with the most beautiful creature in the world. I'm so grateful it was with you. I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

When I Dream Of You
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Dear Ally,

I was exhausted yesterday and went to bed early, only to awake to tears flooding down my cheeks. I was dreaming of the day I said goodbye to you and you were relieved of your pain. I remember your face when they took you away after I sat there with you for a while. It was that of a sleeping dog who had no pain and was finally at peace.

That same image comes and goes in my mind, and every time, I break down and cry so hard. I knew you were no longer suffering, but it still burns my heart into ashes knowing that was the moment you were free of your pain, and I was in nothing but pain and turmoil for the rest of my life.

It gets easier Ally. Each and every day it gets easier but it doesn't hurt any less. I couldn't be selfish with you any longer and you couldn't hold on. I know dogs age quicker than humans, so I like to think you lived a long and truly happy life. It just hurts to know that it came down to cancer. Nothing but cancer.

Every day is a new day Ally. A new day I wake up, get ready, work as hard as I can to recover from surgery and accidents, try to rebuild, and learn to love all over again. I didn't think I'd want to pour so much love into another after you, but Little O is a god send, and he makes it his duty to brighten my days. After all, you did send him to me and this I truly believe.

This journey and adventure with you taught me a lot, Ally. It taught me that some people will doubt you. Some will talk behind your back. Others will stop talking to you. But most people who truly care for you, will support you through it all. It's not my job to make people believers or worry about what they have to say because they're going to say it anyway. All I have to do is embrace the adventure, feel the love, and live the journey. And we did Ally. We lived the journey through you, and will continue to because of you.

We love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

Welcome Home Ally
Ally 2017 before she passed, with her Christmas gifts.

Ally 2017 before she passed, with her Christmas gifts.

A few days ago I received your beautiful ashes, Ally. I was both relieved and sad. I was relieved because you were home. I was sad because I knew you would never be coming back. The ashes are all that remains of you. It's not enough for me, but I do not have a choice but to except it. It's both disheartening and depressing. It does not matter anymore. I have you here with me and that is all that matters to me. I want you to know something Ally. I loved you more than you I ever loved myself or any living, breathing being.

I may have had my moments where I had to be assertive with you, but I loved you more than life itself regardless. I don't think I told you enough, how much you meant to me and how much you still do. You were the reason I got my life together with the first accident almost 16.5 years ago. I was suffering in pain, and you saved me. You were so small and yet so strong Ally. I have you to thank for the both personal and mental growth I have had since I met you. You may never know how much I loved you with words, but you had to have known in my actions.

The days grow darker, and the minutes seem longer since we last seen each other. My heart grows lonelier and I become restless. All I have is this art. All I have are these pictures. All I have is your ashes. It's not enough. Not enough to get by. Not enough to remove this loneliness from my heart. Not enough to make me happy. You made me happy. You made decisions and a tough day, easier. I can't even get a new pet because I have to pay off all the credit card debt we had grow with both our care. Somehow, if I had you back, I wouldn't care. I would do it all over again if it meant I could run my fingers through your beautiful red hair, or kiss your soft furry snout one more time.

We have Aunt Mary's candle light vigil memorial coming up Ally. It's been almost 3 years since Grandma lost her twin sister to cancer also. I think she is just as sad as I am. She loved you Ally. She may not have had the strength to do everything she needed to, but she sure loved you anyway.

If time heals old wounds, I sure hope it will speed up Ally. I can't take this pain without you. I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.