I don't know what to write some days Ally.

The Holidays are suppose to signify a time of happiness and togetherness. I'm not happy and I am not together with you. I am trying every day to put on a happy face. It's not working. I don't think I have anyone convinced that I am happy Ally. I am anything but happy.

One of these days I suppose I will wake up and it will hurt a little less. The pain will be a lot less hurtful. That day is not today. I have to spend the holiday's without my best friend. I miss you Ally and I love you so very much that my heart aches every day I don't have you. Send my love to the Angels pretty girl. I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever.

Time to talk about your shedding Ally!
Ally Summer 2017

Ally Summer 2017

Dear Ally,

I have been finding your fur everywhere since you left us. I love it. It reminds me of you in so many ways. I feel like a small part of you is still here with me. I think it makes Grandma feel good too. We purposely don't vacuum too much, and I have not had the car cleaned. I love seeing you all over my stuff. I miss you and love you Ally. To the moon and back, Always and forever.

Love,

Mom

Welcome Home Ally
Ally 2017 before she passed, with her Christmas gifts.

Ally 2017 before she passed, with her Christmas gifts.

A few days ago I received your beautiful ashes, Ally. I was both relieved and sad. I was relieved because you were home. I was sad because I knew you would never be coming back. The ashes are all that remains of you. It's not enough for me, but I do not have a choice but to except it. It's both disheartening and depressing. It does not matter anymore. I have you here with me and that is all that matters to me. I want you to know something Ally. I loved you more than you I ever loved myself or any living, breathing being.

I may have had my moments where I had to be assertive with you, but I loved you more than life itself regardless. I don't think I told you enough, how much you meant to me and how much you still do. You were the reason I got my life together with the first accident almost 16.5 years ago. I was suffering in pain, and you saved me. You were so small and yet so strong Ally. I have you to thank for the both personal and mental growth I have had since I met you. You may never know how much I loved you with words, but you had to have known in my actions.

The days grow darker, and the minutes seem longer since we last seen each other. My heart grows lonelier and I become restless. All I have is this art. All I have are these pictures. All I have is your ashes. It's not enough. Not enough to get by. Not enough to remove this loneliness from my heart. Not enough to make me happy. You made me happy. You made decisions and a tough day, easier. I can't even get a new pet because I have to pay off all the credit card debt we had grow with both our care. Somehow, if I had you back, I wouldn't care. I would do it all over again if it meant I could run my fingers through your beautiful red hair, or kiss your soft furry snout one more time.

We have Aunt Mary's candle light vigil memorial coming up Ally. It's been almost 3 years since Grandma lost her twin sister to cancer also. I think she is just as sad as I am. She loved you Ally. She may not have had the strength to do everything she needed to, but she sure loved you anyway.

If time heals old wounds, I sure hope it will speed up Ally. I can't take this pain without you. I love you Ally. To the moon and back. Always and forever.

 

I'm ready, Ally.
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Last week I visited the park a dozen times compared to the previous weeks since I had lost you on October 25th. One of those days I watched a girl become so frustrated with her young Golden Retriever, that I stepped in to help her. Mostly, because I knew the dog was no more than a year and obviously afraid of the teenager. I knew the teenager was frustrated, didn't mean to scare the dog, but was trying to train her to walk with her on the leash. I knew this because, well, I remembered it wasn't that easy training you to walk with me on a leash, Ally. I recognized the young girls frustration. I may not have been as frustrated on the outside, but there was times I wanted to pull out my hair because you pulled me into the mud, or I fell because of your urge to chase a cat. I calmly walked over to the girl, made conversation, looked into the dogs eyes, pet her, and positioned myself to show the girl how to walk with the dog on the leash. We spent a few minutes there and you saw the light come on in both their eyes when they both realized what the other was trying to do. I was very happy for the young girl, and the Golden Retriever. Her name was Sammy. Sammy was a beautiful English Cream Golden Retriever. She was about a year old, and new to the family. The parents allowed her to rescue as long as she was responsible for the fur baby. I saw Sammy and Delilah a few days later. They were walking gracefully together, and it was nice to see this. Delilah was very thankful. Her parents were also very happy to see that she was working well with the dog. Delilah asked me a few more questions and I gave her some positive answers. I am eager to hear how it all turn out the next time I see her. They're regulars at the dog park Ally. They also own a German Shepherd.  I bet you would recognize them if you saw them, because you always perked up to the German. I believe you both had many conversations as you barked, friendly, back and forth to each other.

The day after that I watched a woman spank her dog. She was very mean to her retriever. I remember telling her if she hit the dog again, I'd be happy to make sure she never hit it again. I believe she caught my drift. It's so funny because I ran into her again today, and funny enough, she seemed a lot more connected to her dog and it's feelings. Sometimes, you just have to step in. I remember she told her father what I said, and her father asked why she was hitting the dog in the first place. I am guessing her dad stepped up to make sure she understood it was wrong. That made me smile.

Well today, a bunch of children were chasing a squirrel that fell out of tree because they threw a rock at it. The squirrel looked injured and I stopped them immediately. The squirrel ran off, and I asked where their parents were. The mother seemed upset that I had yelled across the field for their children to stop. The truth was they were far away, and were in my photo shoot when I had noticed. If I did not yell to them, not at them, they would have killed the squirrel. I explained to the mother what I was trying to do. She said, "it's just a stupid animal." I said, "No mam, it's a squirrel who has done nothing to bother your children. Today it's a squirrel they beat up, tomorrow it's another kid, or a puppy you adopt. It's never too late to teach compassion for living beings and I think you may want to start now. The next time, it may not end so well. The animal might attack in fear of it's life, or someone might get arrested for animal cruelty." I don't know if I made a difference as they scurried off, Ally. I know I feel better for saying something. If even one of those children take away that moment, that means one less hurt animal.

I have been coming to this park for years with you Ally. We have stopped so many bad people from doing horrible things. Bad pet parenting, rescuing drowning kittens, helping a goose who had fishing line around it's foot, and more. It's who I am. It's who you are. A beautiful, patient, dog who loved to watch her momma do good things. It was then I realized it, Ally. I wasn't a good person because of just who I am. I am a good person because I had a love so loyal with you. You taught me patience, compassion, and loyalty. I use it to help or educate others. For that I can never repay you, but I can share it. I can share everything you have taught me with another fur baby.

I was waiting for a sign from you Ally, but the truth is the sign was always there. It never really left. God doesn't move mountains to show you when it's time to put your heart out there again. Fate doesn't drop a puppy in your lap with a sign saying here, move on. You are my sign.

The patience you taught me to have is a sign that I'd be willing to take on a new chapter, no matter how difficult. The love you gave me, and I gave you, is a sign that I'd be willing to love, no matter what, and to eternity for another. The same way I will always love you. The loyalty you gave me is the same loyalty I could bestow upon another, and in return, have that given back to me through the eyes of another fur baby. My sign was in the push that fate gave me to stop a woman or a child from abusing an animal. My sign was in the strength I had to show a complete stranger an easier way to teach a dog to walk with them on a leash. You're not just a visual Ally. You're the wind that gently blows across my cheek, the light that comes on in my eyes when I'm feeling passionate about a design or idea, the soft touch I place on animal when they need nurturing, the smile that spreads across the face of a dog I have never met, and the love I feel for animals of all types that come across me every day. You're all of that and more.

This morning I was not sure I was ready to adopt, and I was tired of hearing people mentioning it. The truth is, I had to see it for myself, and today, I saw it, and I felt it. I could never replace you, but I could add to our love with even more love, because I would be a fool to waste it not loving another pet at all. Even if it's just by volunteering. I'm open to the possibilities now. I hope I keep seeing these signs in everything I do. It may have taken a moment for me to step back and see it, but I really do now Ally. I love you Ally. To the moon and back, Always and forever.

I miss you Ally.
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I am dreading the Holiday's getting close. I fear I'll be even more sad without you Ally. I don't know how to turn off these feelings and this pain. I know I shouldn't, but it is quite debilitating. How do I move on in a world where the one thing that inspired me, is gone? When you left Ally, so did everything else. I am trying to move forward, but I can't. I need to know you're okay. That your lifeless body was not the end of the road. I need to believe there is a Heaven, and I will see you again some day. I can't believe that me holding you, and telling you how much I love you, would be our last time. I can't and I won't stop looking for a sign.

Every morning for nearly almost 16 years, you were there for me from sun up to sundown. When I was sad, angry, and going through so much, you were there. The nudge of your snout, the sincerity of your eyes, the love of an Angel. I hope you're an Angel, Ally. I hope God gave you a second chance to shine up there because you sure knew how to shine down here. I saw it every single day. In the smile of people passing you by, the heats you touched, and the shine of your eyes.

I often feel bad about the times I told you to "stop it" or denied you a treat to avoid fattening you up. I often feel bad about any time I was frustrated with you for any reason. It all seems so silly now. So stupid and so silly.

Life shouldn't be about the things we can't have, but rather the things we do. I will make sure of this going forward. Although, I am not sure I could ever get another dog. As much as this was part of our plan, I don't think I could without some form of resentment for it not being you. It's not right to have a pet that needs to fill shoes that big. I am not even sure I would feel that way then, but I do now. So I won't.

The one thing I know for sure is how much I love you Ally, and how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life.

Ally

It was hard for me to come back here Ally. I started this website for us to collect your adventure and journey. I wanted to build something here. All I can do is cry now when I come here and see your beautiful angelic face.

I'm angry Ally. I am angry that I did not say more to you, pet you more, and hold you tighter much sooner. I never thought we'd have to part so soon and to cancer. I thought everything I was doing, would save you Ally, but it didn't. For that I am sorry. I couldn't stop it from hurting you, but I could end your pain and agony. I am suppose to keep you safe. In the end, that's what I was doing.

I cried the whole day Ally. October 25th 2017 was hard. I rushed you in and there was nothing I could do. I held you until the end Ally. I hope you felt that. I hope you felt loved. I hope you know how much you mean to me as I stumbled for those last words. I hope you heard every one of them. I wanted to stay with you longer. I knew if I did not leave, I never would. It was the first time I had to leave you behind Ally. Your body was just laying there, and I could't do anything. I couldn't save you. I beat myself up about it everyday.

I drove to your park after that and I cried. I sat there missing you, and i put your collar around my wrist. I just felt so alone and so sad. Grandma and I sat outside and watched the leaves sway, and all of the Christmas lights. I did not get any sleep that night. Most of the night was silent. Grandma is grieving to Ally. We all are.

I barely woke up the next day and I did not want to. I just wanted to sleep because it hurt Ally. it hurt to wake up and see you were gone. As soon as I did, all the pain and sadness came rushing back into my heart. We sat outside again and watched the lights twinkle all night last night. Today isn't any easier. I still miss you and I cry for you.

To say I am sad is an understatement. I'm destroyed inside. I don't know how to feel without you Ally. I miss your soft head rubbing up against me for pets. I miss the feel of your fur. Your eyes when you looked at me. Your huffing and puffing when you wanted more of whatever we were doing. More food, more pets, more love. I miss the way you'd rush out the door when I opened it like you were rushing into life's journey. You were so happy anywhere. The car, the house, the walks, the yard. I miss you following me to the bathroom and waiting for me outside the door. I miss you walking in on me when I was taking a shower or using the bathroom. I miss how you'd follow me throughout the house and everywhere. I miss you Ally. I miss all that you are. Every last thing.

I knew it be hard to let you go, but it's not just hard. It's devastating. Everything I did was for you. I wish I knew where to go from here Ally. All I can do is pray to see you again. Pray you're okay and pain free. Pray that you always remember how much I loved you. If I didn't tell you enough, I love you so much.